31
Jan
Chronicling my Inception-like dream experience, after waking up at 4am following a vodka-soaked Monday night:
Level 1:
I awake in a mansion/department store with Harajuku-fied Alice in Wonderland decor. I have limited powers of telekinesis, which I demonstrate by opening and shutting the refrigerator door while lying in bed.
Downstairs, my mother is having a banquet with all of our old friends, including those from Bakersfield. Fish is served.
I go running around the top floor, bump into a guy, then into:
Level 2:
I’m doing a parkour-style break-in/escape time trial at a power plant. I’m squeezing through gates, jumping over fences, sliding down ladders, the whole bit. At one point I shoulder-block George Bush Sr. who is visiting for some reason. I keep running straight into:
Level 3:
I’m at a Chinese potluck in a courtyard. It’s very hot and I get very drunk. I sit down, but two old ladies behind me throw up, getting it all over my shoes. Angrily, I run to the campus gym in hopes of washing it off. I’m teetering at the entrance and try to go through the wrong door.
The door guy politely escorts me through and tells me to go with the cops at the end. I flip out and start running away. All the while I’m supposed to have an apartment showing with a shady Chinese landlord. He keeps calling and I’m unable to answer.
I run into two cute hipster girls, but the one I like better has a boyfriend. We go to a motel to hide, we speak French to each other, things are going well. There’s a knock on the door, it’s supposed to be the boyfriend, so I hide in the bathroom. Instead it’s a Mexican gang and they kidnap the girls. I go running after them down Wilshire Blvd, calling 911 but I can’t talk to the dispatcher because I’m too out of breath.
Eventually I encounter two of the kidnappers in the street. I fly into a Psychotic Superman rage and rip one’s face off, rip off the other’s arms and beat him down with them. I get back home and the remaining kidnappers tell me the hostages were knocked out via drug overdose. I get angrier and rip them apart, tearing off testicles and gouging out eyes. I’m semi-aware I’m dreaming, but I’m convinced it’s real because the kidnappers left boot marks in the bathroom.
I rescue the captives and go on with my life, but am constantly watching my back. Finally, two surviving kidnappers come after me, but they get in a fight with two human-sized Michael Bay-style Transformers. I possess one of the robots and cut a kidnapper’s head in half with a buzzsaw.
